I hate people

I deplore them.

I don't actually. At least not all the time. Here're some reasons I hate you, "friend".

I hate the people you hang out with.
I hate the choices you make when you're with them.
I hate the choices you make to excuse them.
I hate that you don't see what they do is wrong, and sometimes ILLEGAL.
I hate that you choose to continue to be around them even though you even agree with me that things they do are wrong, and sometimes ILLEGAL.
And sometimes... I feel like hating you.

I smell a dissension reek

I am falling entirely too far behind in school. I haven't been reading and I haven't been paying proper attention. I fear I'm going to get worse grades than I did last year...

There are a lot of videos out there about Obama as the anti-Christ. I know, or at least I'm pretty dang sure, that you all have seen at least one. I feel like it's not our responsibility to be looking for satan in every political leader we don't like. Aren't we losing sight of what our real job is? We've been mandated to share love, truth, and salvation, not spread fear-mongering.

Chivalry should be assassinated

Bitch.

You screwed me in half last year. Every freaking day, you had me wrapped around your little finger, so tightly wound that the only way I got loose was by breaking.
Emotionally, you messed with me so much that I became more of a ass to the people that loved me, that stood by me while you did this. You gave me assurances that you never intended to keep.
Physically, I have never not wanted an attractive girl so easily. I didn't feel the customary intense urges to play my little game, hoping to one day get you in bed. And I believe I told you so. You were just the person I loved. Well, until you told me I didn't and let it all go to hell.

And then I forgot you. Miles separated us and I let you go. Out of sight, out of mind. It's not like you were any hindrance to that either. Thanks for keeping in touch, friend. And then I broke my foot, and you apparently cared enough to make the trip up to see me. One foot in the door, you could have had me do anything for you, just like before.
But then you left, and I returned to sanity.

And now you have the nerve to tell me it was all a lie. Not from your perspective, merely a misdirection. This is exactly what I hate about you. You're not dependable. You're not there. You won't let it happen. It has to be exactly how you envisioned it, or you'll pull out and leave your other half lopsided, like they've just lost a limb. You make yourself irreplaceable and expect us to replace you anyway. Your decisions are uninformed and destructive.

You want to know the worst part? I still want you. Just as strongly as the first day, I want you next to me, and if you never left, it'd be just fine with me. Even with all the stuff I put myself through last, even though I promised myself I'd just let you go, even with all the times I ranted and raved to people about you, somehow I can ignore all that because I want you.

Dear God

I’m not gonna say I know more than you do. I won’t say that I could handle things better than you can, cuz you and I both know I’d screw things up royally.
But seriously? Ok, so we’ve got all these Christian catch phrases like “God will provide” and “brothers/sisters in Christ” and “I’ve been called.” I mean what the heck does any of that mean anyway? It’s like “JESUS! The Comic Book” where POW! BIFF! and Holy geography, Batman! are replaced by the stuff that churchy folks say that the world raises an eyebrow to. At the moment, my main issue is with you providing and calling.
Let’s look at that first one, shall we? Yes I know you provide. Yes I know the whole lilies of the field deal, but what does that look like? I don’t know how in the world my family is going to afford Asbury and with Anna starting college in a couple years, it’s going to be insane, financially. I can’t just go to school and ignore the cost, saying “The Lord will provide.” Excuse me for saying so, but that just seems foolish. Only a moron would go to a school as expensive as Asbury and not have a care in the world about where that money is going to come from. That just doesn’t make any sense. I’ve tried to get scholarships and nothing’s showing up. People talk about getting random anonymous checks in the mail and having sudden mistakes crop up that show they’ve got a lot more money than they actually do. That kind of stuff is always attributed to you. But it seems to me, and correct me if I’m wrong here, it seems to me that you’re supposed to be providing all the time, right? You’re always looking out for us? So if you’re providing now, how come we’re still gonna get saddled with all this debt? I don’t want to doubt you or anything, but it seems like if you are indeed providing now that you’re not providing enough. That’s selfish, but right now, I’m selfish. I’m in college, and it’s not just any college. I’m at a college that’s supposed to be like your deal. It’s a Christian school! I thought I was coming here because you put it there or something. I mean, that’s why it was founded to begin with. It’s supposed to be a school where we can learn about you while we’re studying for our trade. So one would think that you’d help people out a little. Especially if they’re “supposed” to be there.
Which brings me to another little issue. It seems like everybody and their brother at Asbury was “called” to be there or something. Tell me. What exactly does that sound like? Am I “called” to be at Asbury? I don’t think so! I don’t even know what I want to do. The only reason I chose media comm. as a major is cuz I like to chill and mess with all that fun stuff. Is that enough to base a $100,000+ education on? And this was my decision. I came to Asbury because their media comm. program is amazing and I have the chance to go to the Olympics. That’s it. Sure, I looked at Asbury because it was a small Christian school, but I just wanted that because I’d grown up that way. I couldn’t see myself in any other situation. And we’ve got free will, right? So you’re definitely not controlling my choices and you didn’t control the ones that got me there. I think that’s a fair conclusion. So I guess that would mean that I was paying attention to my interests rather than yours? But I can’t just sit here and do nothing while I wait for you to tell me to do something. If I didn’t do anything, I’d stay living in my parents’ house for the rest of my life. So what’s the deal? Am I called? Am I not? Am I not paying enough attention? What if I’m ignoring your call cuz I think that this is your call? Honestly, I don’t even like Asbury that much. So I don’t know if going there without a “call” is worth it. I know I’m certainly not worth the money, especially if I’m not even sure what I’m doing.
I guess... I guess I just... I want certainty. Yeah, yeah, I’m not supposed to worry about the future and there’s no way I can know what’s coming, but it’d be nice to be sure of now, ya know? Whatever. Sorry for complaining. I supposed I’ll just forget about it and do what I can.

Lost

It seems like I don't even know half of the people I came home for anymore. Most of them I think just don't mind that high school friends have taken a back seat. Sometimes I think the people in the back seat have been kicked out onto the road though. It's sad, because I really was craving some home friends towards the end of the year, but when I got here, all the joy that it used to bring me was just gone. Now, I wish I was back at school and honestly, I don't really think I'll mind not seeing people for another three years...

Sure, there have been some people I've seen. My boys of course won't let me down (until recently, when they've stopped all form of communication...hmm) but those two dudes are just a small part of the people that used to help define me.

I know it's inevitable. College does that, especially when you go out of state and no one comes with you. But it still sucks quite a bit. 

You want to know probably the worst, and yet funniest, part? My dad just got contacted by his best friend in high school and now he's getting a Facebook account to reconnect with him. How's that for a slap in the face? haha

I think I'm feeling it more than I normally would have because of this broken foot keeping me cooped up and inactive, but still, I'd really love to see some people, go to houses, stay out late, get Starbucks. I had so many plans to go on photography excursions, have adventures, see stuff...

Is it selfish and immature to be complaining like this? Maybe so, but I still feel I've a right to miss the people I loved like family, even if they didn't return the sentiment.

I really don't enjoy Kentucky. It's the people. Indianapolis, thy new name is Asbury. You are dead to me.

Well my toes are all still swollen. I'm doing a lot better though. I haven't taken any narcotics in a few days, so it's all Advil now.
A minor setback occurred recently, though. I was bathing and scrubbing my injured foot and the big toe, which has the blood blister on it. The skin was softened by the hot water and the scrubbing pulled a good chunk off. So now I have to keep an eye on it to make sure it doesn't get infected. That would be not fun at all.
I'm getting closer and closer to being able to walk on it and that's exciting. I'm eager to get rid of these crutches, or at least not need them any more. I'll probably keep them around just so that when I want to walk through crowded areas, I'll be able to move with impunity. mwahahah
And now, for the best part: HARRY POTTER!!!
Oh, man I had fun. Seeing friends, watching movies, hanging out... you don't know how great it is until you've been cooped up for weeks.
My good friend Rachel came up from Henryville to see the movie with me. We had all planned to go down there, all my friends from Asbury, to see the movie in Louisville, but when I broke my foot, she said that there was no way she wasn't coming up to see it with me. That was absolutely awesome. We went to China Buffet for lunch, then headed over to Half-Price Books and the mall. We had root beer at BJ's, saw some other people, and then came home and played LOTR Trivial Pursuit. After some lasagna, strawberry pie, and Guitar Hero, we headed over to the movie theatre two hours early and waited with a multitude of brand new friends. At around 10ish, my high school besty, Lake, showed up and that was probably the best feeling of the evening. I haven't seen high school people in so long and it's very sad.
It was pretty great that we got tickets for the 1202 showing, because the 1201 showing had to stand in line while everyone else got to sit in the theatre!
The movie was fantastic. I know a lot of people didn't enjoy it because it didn't hold true to the book like one may have hoped, but I don't think it's fair to compare the two. They are different media and therefore must be looked at separately. I thought the film was pretty accurate anyway. The cinematography was excellent as well. There is a shot towards the beginning of the film where we see Draco and company talking on the Hogwart's Express. The shot moves out through the window and down past the train as dialog continues. It switches to dialog from the trio and moves in through a window to stop on them. It's an amazing sequence.
All I want now is to get off the crutches and see the movie in IMAX 3D.

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my foot, part two

It's been a little over a week now, dealing with this broken foot, and I gotta tell you, I'm going insane. I haven't been outside...wow. I think the last time I was outside was lunch on Sunday. We went to Cracker Barrel.
Things seem to be progressing rather well. I suppose. My blood blister has emptied itself several times now and I have a hollow of sagging skin on the side of my big toe now. I'm glad the huge bump is gone, because it made it a real headache to put ice on my foot. Now, I just have to deal with the pain of the toe not protected by that half-centimeter cushion. The swelling in my foot hasn't been going down as much as I'd like. I wanted to be up and walking around more by the time friends came up for Harry Potter. I knew I had about two weeks to get to that point, but I don't think I'm going to get there now.
The pain is back. Not nearly as much as it was before, but now I can't have my leg in any position except horizontal, really. It just hurts too much. And I've taken myself off of Percocet. I started having dreams and thinking about overdosing and suicide and death in general and other nightmares started coming. When I was a very small child, I got ear infections quite frequently. The worst part that I remember is that when it was dark and I was supposed to be sleeping, I couldn't close my eyes because the black seemed to pulse in and out so rapidly that I got dizzy. I could open my eyes for a moment, but then the black of the dark room did the same. So I would go to my parents for comfort. But everything seemed to have a certain intensity and abnormal "speed" that I was terrified all the time. That's all come back, now that I'm taking these narcotics. Long story short, I'm taking Lortab again instead. Hopefully this will be more manageable. The only thing I have to deal with this stuff is that it's not as strong, and it makes me immensely tired. I've been going to bed before 11 and waking up around noon regularly.
There are some improvements to be had, however. I've been feeling gross and unkempt this whole time, due to the fact that I can't properly wash myself without a large amount of stress on my foot and I can't shave because I can't stand to be upright long enough. Today, though, I took a nice bath, washed my hair really well, and shaved. I feel a hundred times better. I can almost ignore the pain of my toes.
I think that is all I can really say about my malady thus far. I'll keep all three of you posted as the days progress. On a side note, I think I'm going to ignore my phone for a while. I'll just leave it upstairs, sitting powered off on my dresser. I hope no one gets too upset with me!
Alright, I'm going to sign off now and watch some mindless anime movies online.
ADIDAS Y'ALL